So, this isn’t really a bookish discussion, but it’s something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while now. With some recent things that have happened in the community (I’m sure you’ve seen the discussions on Twitter) I felt now is a good time to post it!
“What the heck is Aromantic?”
Everyone is different. I’m not going to sit here and define an orientation, but in a basic sense being aromantic means you don’t feel/experience romantic attraction. It’s not a sexual orientation. However, just because I don’t experience romantic-love doesn’t mean I don’t feel other kinds of love like platonic and familiar.
“So, you’re Asexual?”
Nope. Aromantic ≠ Asexual. Yeah, a lot of people identify as aro/ace, but not every person who’s asexual is aromantic and vice versa.
What not to say to someone who’s Aromantic:
- “You just haven’t found the right person!”
- “Why are you so bitter?”
- “Wow, you must be SUPER lonely?”
- “You’ll change you mind!!!”
- “You clearly have a commitment phobia!!”
- “So you don’t have feelings?” [As someone who cries over EVERYTHING I can 100% confirm this isn’t true]
And let’s not even go into things that are basically just people slut shaming.
Basically, I only realised I was aromantic a couple years back. I actually didn’t even know it was a thing. I’ve never really been interested in romance. The idea of public displays of affection or grand gestures of love make me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable and squeamish. I’ve only been in a few relationships and none of them really worked out. When I was 18-21 I was in a kind of on again/off again relationship that was really unhealthy and extremely emotionally manipulative. I thought maybe this is why I was so opposed to “finding someone” however as time went on I realised no, that wasn’t the case at all. It was more than just having some bad relationships. I couldn’t imagine myself being romantic with ANYONE.
Of course, I went through all the “maybe there’s something wrong with me?” feelings. I was quite well versed in sexual orientations, but none of those talked about not feeling romantic attraction. Then Tumblr did some good and I learnt about the term “Asexual”. This still didn’t describe me. Still, it was probably the closest thing to what I was feeling so I naturally decided to do some research. That’s when Google informed me that there was something called “Aromantic” and it could exist entirely on it’s own. Everything clicked into place.
I am extremely aware of my privilege, but sometimes it’s hard identifying with an orientation that hardly anyone knows exist. I’m not trying to say I have it harder than others who fall under the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Still, it’s not easy. I don’t label myself as LGBTQIA+ even though I kinda identify as pansexual, because I feel very fluid in my sexuality and like I don’t deserve to be there. I don’t have to fear for my life being aromantic, but I’m also not a straight person. I kinda feel like I’m just sorta floating around in this weird space that sits outside that community. I know a lot of bi, pan, aro and ace people feel like they’re not welcome in the LGBTQIA+ community and that really needs to change.
In regards to media it kinda sucks seeing myself never represented. The closest I’ve come to seeing myself in a book is Every Heart A Doorway and even then there wasn’t an aromantic character. The term was just used. Still, it was such a powerful moment for me that I actually just burst into tears.
It’s hard when everywhere you’re look you’re being told that the next step in order for your life to be fufilled is to “fall in love” and “get married”. Whenever you see family and they ask “so do you have a partner yet?” like it’s some kind of life stage that I need to check off to “make it”. Sometimes I feel so incredibly broken because I don’t think I can ever do that – more importantly I don’t WANT to that. Most days I’m okay though. I shouldn’t have to live up to these standards that are ridiculous anyway. No matter what you identify as you don’t need someone else to be whole.
It’s why I tend to avoid straight up romance books too. I just can’t connect. It’s not a case of me finding romance boring ect. I don’t want to read and give the book a low rating when it’s my fault I don’t like it. I’m not demanding that romance never be included in books again, but I’d love to see a book where a character explicitly states that they don’t experience romantic attraction. I totally understand that some people find love at a young age, but I also think there’s an unnecessary pressure put on teenagers that they have to settle down and “find the one”. I could never connect with YA books where the characters find the loves of their life at such a young age. When I was younger and read YA I felt like there was something wrong with me because why hadn’t I found someone? Obviously, I’ve grown up since then but I’m sure it’s a thought a lot of teenagers have too. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 18 and I’m not ashamed by that, but for so long I felt like I was just repulsive or something because why hadn’t it happened already?
I don’t know. This post is just me rambling away because I don’t know how to structure it in a more precise way. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I would really, really love for more people to know that that being aromantic is a thing and I would love to see myself represented in media.
If you’d like some more info on Aromanticism then here’s some links that explain things a lot better than I have! The most important thing to remember is that everyone experiences things differently!!!
- AVEN Wiki’s Aromantic FAQ
- 5 Myths about Aromanticism
- The Difference Between Asexual and Aromantic Matters – Here’s Why
wonderless reviews 
Thank you for posting this! I myself are asexual (and maybe grey-aromantic but not so sure), and I know how hard it is to have people tell you you “haven’t found the right person yet”. I completely support you and I think it’s awesome of you to post this! 🙂
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Thank you so much ♥ It’s definitely frustrating that some people just can’t seem to get it! I’m hoping that eventually that’ll change though.
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Thank you so so much for sharing this with us 👏 I imagine it took a lot from you, so I applaud you to step out of your comfort zone.
I only heard about this term fairly recently, and I am glad I have learned more about it. I also knew it was diferent from Asexuality but I didn’t know how.
It sucks that Aromatic people are not represented. I only knew about jughead, and they changed that in the TV show. I get it’s hardly known, but that’s precisely why we need to learn about it, so it stops being so unpopular and people that are Aromantic but don’t know they are, can learn about it and don’t feel so lost.
I cannot imagine how awful some of those comments must feel (they annoy me, so it must be worse for an Aromatic person!), so I apologize😢 You’re right, why do we need someone else? The important thing is that we love ourselves, the rest is extra. Especially, as you point out, it would be nice to have books, focus on other types of love. Not all love is romantic love.
And it’s not your fault if you don’t like a romance book. It’s just that you cannot connect with it. Though I have a question, and I hope it’s okay for me to ask (sorry but I am new to this), if you read a romance book, can you still connect to the characters? I mean, they obviously care more about their love life than anything, but you care about the other aspects, yes? Or does that romance part overshadow the other? I don’t read romance books so maybe there’s no other part. I apologize if it’s an insensitive question.
Thank you again for sharing this, you’re amazing❤️️
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Thanks so much for all your kind words, Anna ♥ It’s definitely a lesser known orientation. I don’t think I’ve ever seen as much discussion about aro/ace as I have since Riverdale aired. I suppose it was a weird kind of blessing in disguise because at least it’s bringing more attention!
Don’t apologise! Most times I can still find other things to connect to the characters with! It’s a bit weird because I can still ship characters and find their relationships adorable, I just don’t want it for myself? Like, mostly I just can’t do straight up romance contemporaries that are like super light and are just about two Super Straight people falling in love, haha. Like, I just read Noteworthy and I loved the romance in it so so much. And The Raven Cycle is one of my favourite series ever and the basis for that is Blue killing her true love, haha. I definitely appreciate more subtle romances though (like the one in TRC for example).
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Thank you so much for sharing this, i’m sure it really took a lot, but I for one really appreciate it. I’m not proud to say that I’m not very well educated on different terminology and what each different one means. I’m definitely trying to learn more though so this post has really helped me understand what aromantic really means. So thank you so much for having the courage to write this ❤
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read it ♥ And that’s okay. I think a lot of people aren’t aware of it, which is why I really pushed myself to do the post. The fact that you’re willing to listen, learn and understand is wonderful though and means a lot!
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I learned something from reading this, and I think that it’s amazing that you posted something personal, I know it isn’t easy. I had reservations about posting my lack of ADD/ADHD rep in books post but felt so much better after posting it. I don’t read strictly romance books either, I have no interest or desire to read them.
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I just want to say that I admire you so much for taking the time and energy to write this, especially when so many people have such negative opinions out there. I really relate to what you say about not feeling like you’re part of the LGBT+ community – I’ve felt that way for a long time. I identify as bisexual, in that I experience attraction toward people regardless of gender, but I’m also in a hetero relationship. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like an outsider, and that you should define yourself in whatever way makes you happy. I don’t identify as aromantic, but I do agree that we should have more YA books that don’t prioritize romance. As much as I might enjoy reading them (especially when I was younger), they can be really harmful for people who either don’t experience romantic attraction, or people who just don’t or can’t prioritize romance at that age. It creates the idea that teenagers “should” be finding love – which is not only not realistic, but incredibly limiting. Thank you for sharing your experiences and opening up a conversation ❤
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I don’t know if it’s my place to say haha but still, I’m so freaking proud of you Lauren ❤ I know how much it took you to finally be able to post this and I'm sorry about the shit show that Aro & Ace people have been getting on Twitter lately, I can't pretend to understand but I know it's not easy.
It's actually because of you that I discovered what Aromantism is because you talked about it a few months back and I went and I researched it so thank you for that and thank you for sharing your own experience.
Oh and I wanted to ask of it was okay if I shared your post in my wrap-up at the end of the month to help spread the awareness? I can 100% person understand if you're not comfortable with it though!
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Thank you so much, Fadwa ♥ I’m so glad I was able to help you be aware of it! The fact that you went off and did your own research is so wonderful! I wish more people would that take that initiative. Hopefully the conversations are making people more educated though. And of course, that’d be fine!
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Of course, Lauren 💞 I’d think that’s common sense, but I guess not as common as I thought it was?
I hope so too, because it’s past time people educate themselves on what happens outside their own identities.
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Thank you…I’ve been waiting for this for awhile since you mentioned it on Twitter.
One thing I can’t find much info on are the terms pansexual and demisexual. Do you have any resources for that terminology?
Thank you for sharing your story, Lauren. I’ll always think you are an amazing person! 😊😊😊
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Aw, thank you Stephanie ♥
Sure! These links might help 😊
https://minus18.org.au/index.php/resources/sexuality-info/item/647-bisexual-vs-pansexual
http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual
Also the fact that you’re wanting to know more is so great! People wanting to take the initiative to educate themselves makes me so happy.
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Thank you! Yes, ignorance is no excuse….unless you’re lacking the knowledge you seek, like me! 🤣
I’ll check them out and I appreciate it. I may have students who are struggling at some point and I want them to know that I can listen and be willing to understand them. 😊
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*hugs* This is an awesome post and you are a beautiful person!
I totally get what you mean about hovering outside the LGBTQ+ community; I’m sexually fluid – which means I move around the spectrum. Because I don’t fit in with one particular label, I wonder when I’m part of the discussion, and when I’m considered an ally, and when I’m not considered a part of things at all. I have heterosexual days, and does that mean I’m not ‘counted’ as LGBTQ+?
And I get what you mean about not being able to connect with romantic scenes, I’ve spent times as aro, times as ace, and times as aroace… and romantic scenes were basically like… meh; too long, bored now.
I also get p**sed off regardless of where I am on the spectrum at any one time when books/films/whatever imply that you *need* to be paired off and have sex/romance to be happy. I’ve never had a romantic/sexual partner; maybe some day I will, maybe I never will. But what makes me unhappy is people implying that there’s something wrong with me if I don’t. Like, kindly f**k off. There is more to life dammit!
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant!
And there def. needs to be more rep. for the full range of the spectrum – I remember listening to the opening poem of ep 1 of Nico Tortorella’s podcast ‘The Love Bomb.’ It’s about being fluid, and I actually cried because… he got it. He actually got what I felt. And I’ve rarely had that in my life.
(Btw, Nico’s since moved in his identity to bisexual, but his podcast is well worth the listen for anyone interested in LGBTQ+ stuff.)
OK, I’ve taken up enough of your comment space now. *Hugs more* You should be so proud of yourself! 🙂
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Might seem a bit weird that I’m replying to this even tho it’s not my post, but I just wanted to say that this is the first time I’ve heard someone else say that they’re sexually fluid! 😃 I only realised that about myself quite recently, I thought I was bi before, so this made me happy. x
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Ohmygosh you have no idea how happy that makes me!!!!! XD
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Thank you so much for posting this. I know it took a lot to thrust this out into the universe (especially with the current aro/ace erasure shit show that Twitter has turned into), and I enjoyed reading about your experience. It sucks that the terminology isn’t widespread and facing plenty of erasure both within the LGBTQUIAP community and outside of it. I think I came across asexuality and aromanticism four years ago, and it seriously changed my life. Like a moment of “Oh… _I’m_ not broken. The world’s broken.” ❤
P.S. Every Heart a Doorway was definitely the first time I'd come across aromantic and asexual in a text, and I cried like a baby seeing it.
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Lauren that was a brave and beautiful post!
I admit I did not know what aromantic meant, and it feels clearer now, thanks to you. It is so hard to find oneself and I’m sad that your situation, this part of you, isn’t represented. So thank you for standing up and saying it, thank you for informing people like me who had no idea, thank you for being awesome and brave and spreading the word that it doesn’t mean not normal. Just, thank you, and congratulations for posting things, you awesome person!
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Lauren, you’re brilliant for posting this. I do know a bit about aromantic because I’m still figuring out my own sexuality — asexual and aromantic have therefore crossed my mind. But I think posts like these raise awareness and hopefully also help someone out there. 🙂
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Thank you for posting this! You’re amazing, I always find it so brave when people put this huge chunk of their lives online. Posts like yours have taught me so much already. I rolled my eyes so hard at those thing people have said to you, that I was afraid they would detach. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY CONDESCENDING THINGS LIKE THAT. And the worst part is that they always think they’re being kind. Well, you’re not. Shut the fuck up and sit down. I’m going to keep my eyes open for a book with an aromantic MC.
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I’m so proud of you for posting this! Coming out is such a hard thing to do, and doing it so eloquently is admirable. I’m gay, so whilst we’ve had different experiences, if you ever want to talk to another member of the community, I’m always here! This post is so important because some people don’t know about aromanticism, which can lead to ignorance and bigotry, which is never a good thing. There’s such little representation, so I hope someone writes some better rep soon!
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Thank you so much Lauren for writing about this and sharing your experience. I only heard about people being aromantic a little while ago, and to be honest I was a bit mad that no one talked about this before. I mean, it’s so important, and having BOOKS, especially YA, talking about this or having a main character that is aromantic would really be awesome, useful, and also so, so important. I do love romance books, and even if I am not aromantic, I had the same feelings as you did about “not having found the one”, or having had my first kiss yet and things like that, when I read books when I was younger. I think it’s so, so important to have right representation of any kind of attraction anyone can feel, or here, not feel, in books and everywhere. There are just too little representation of this, it’s just, wrong and sad
Thank you for writing this!
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Thank you for sharing this! It’s definitely a sexuality that is completely under represented. I am asexual and have been thinking of doing a post regarding Aro/Ace sexualities as they are easily confused and most people don’t even know they exist. It’s nice to see another book blogger discussing this as it’s a topic that really should be discussed more. As I am asexual, I don’t mind reading romance novels, however I get kind of uncomfortable during intimate scenes, and I could never convincingly write my own. I have been meaning to check out Every Heart a Doorway, so hopefully I can do that soon. I hope more YA novels begin to feature Aro/Ace characters, and if they don’t, maybe we’ll have to write our own. It’s brave for you to write this post, so thank you for being so open! 🙂
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There definitely needs to be more representation in works of fiction because I’ve never even com across the term till now which is wrong and sucks 😦 Great post btw..
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Awesome post Lauren I don’t think I’ve read any book with an aro character and it makes me sad, definitely planning on fixing that (as well as a lot of things I haven’t read about like trans). Its upsetting what there doing to Riverdale and the representation but I’m also liking the community pulling together to make everyone aware that there not doing justice to jugheads character or aro/ace people.
As to getting asked by people why your not dating and them making stupid comments there ridiculous seriously I hate it when people say shit like that they don’t have any businesses being nosy and pushy, not that it’s the same but when I get when are you having kids why don’t you have a kid it’s just like fuck off i don’t want a kid what can you not understand that? What if I’m unable to have kids people need to learn to mind there own business like having a relationship makes you any more then you already are *biggest eye roll*
Lauren your an amazing person and you continue to be one of my faves in the book community, I’m not well versed in aro/ace so I’m sorry if anything in my comments wrong but just know that if you want to post more things like this it’s going to be well received in my option your an excellent blogger and writer thanks for sharing your story 💕
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I loved this post Lauren and it’s just amazing you actually posted it. I wish there were more books that focused on other sexualities other than gay and lesbian because there are a lot out there and a lot of readers who’d love to see representation of themselves in books. It was only a couple of years ago that I realised that there are people who identify as aro/ace, and what the designations mean, so it’s definitely not something that’s in a lot of books. Of all I’ve read as well the only asexual character I’ve seen is from Every Heart a Doorway, and even there there are all the other sexual identities that need representation as well.
I guess you could say YA is making a start in terms of diverse books, but there is still a long long way to go isn’t there?
Great post Lauren, it was really interesting to read and again I’m so glad you posted this as well. 🙂 ❤
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I completely understand what you mean about feeling out of place on the LGBT+ spectrum – I think a lot of us feel under pressure because we don’t see ourselves as ‘queer enough’ and I think that’s something that comes from both the community and the media. While we’re starting to, very slowly, see more inclusion of same-sex relationships in films and TV, the rest of the community is often basically ignored. It’s frustrating. I’m glad you had the courage to make this post, I’m not super familiar with ace/aro and you clarified it really well.
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I think this post is awesome, and you constructed it well! I’m aromantic myself (I only discovered that aromantic was a category about a year ago, as I had no idea it was a thing), and I have to say, it made me a little giddy to know someone’s actually putting it out there that they are, too. You don’t hear about it hardly at all. I have to agree and relate to a lot of your points, too.
I don’t even know how to put my words together to correctly address how I feel about this, but. Really good post! Thank you for posting it!
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I love that you have posted this!! As weird as this seems, I have a close friend whom I had a conversation about this with about a month ago and she told me basically the same thing. I’m personally pansexual so I completely understand getting that whole ‘it doesn’t exist’ thing…even my parents are still a bit in denial, but it’s life.
I’m so glad people are more open about this, and good for you for putting this out there and having that type of courage! Words are hard!
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LAUREN! I love you so, so much for posting this and not only for being so open but also for respectfully educating the rest of us about what it means to be aromantic. I feel like there’s been a lot of change in the book community to bring more representation into YA books but we’re definitely still not all the way there yet & I think it’s so important for readers to be able to recognise themselves & see themselves represented in books. There also needs to be so much more discussion surrounding this because I think you wouldn’t be the only person out there who had an orientation they didn’t know how to define because it’s simply not talked about enough.
Thank you for sharing this! ❤
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Lauren, you are so brave for posting this, it must feel so freeing to be able to share your thoughts on this so openly. I only recently found out what ace/aro meant and I definitely think it needs to be represented more, because it’s not really explored in fiction at all. Thanks for sharing your story and keep being the awesome person that you are!
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oh, dear lauren, my brave and beautiful friend! ❤❤❤ thank you for sharing with us, i’m so glad you felt comfortable doing so. i hope you know that you shine just as you are and don’t let anyone take that from you. no one should be allowed to define someone else’s worth and happiness. your courage has given me the courage and strength to consider talking about my disabilities, race/ethnicity, and class/socioeconomic status and i can’t thank you enough for that. i’m so proud of you. you go, girl!
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I’m glad you wrote this! about how you have come to identify as aro and about the need for representation in the media for the same. Thank you for sharing.
I was happy to read that tumblr helped you in the process because without tumblr I would have never learnt that there are sexualities beyond “gay” and “bisexual” or about aromantic/asexual either (I basically picked up on the term asexual from BBC Sherlock headcanons)
Thanks for sharing the myth-buster links, there’s always something new to learn.
Cheers! 🙂
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While reading this post I felt so identified.. I’m not sure if I’m completely aromantic but I feel so similar to what you’re describing. I just don’t feel like doing the romance stuff sometimes even though I get crushes.
I agree that it’s hard to hear “you just have to find the right person”… I mean maybe I just don’t want to. *sighs* I kind of rambled too much lol.
Anyways what I’m trying to say is thank you for this post and I totally agree with you.
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I’m so happy that you felt like you were able to relate. It’s exactly why I wanted to write this post because I wanted to help anyone who potentially felt the same way. Have you heard of demisexual? Maybe that’s something more you’d connect to! Or possible even Grey-A (http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A_/_Grey-A). That aside, definitely don’t feel pressured to put a label on yourself ♥ Your feelings are valid, no matter what 😊
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I’m similar, but it never occured to me to identify as aro. I get crushes, I’ve had relationships, I like sex, I just don’t do any of that anymore cos I’m happier when I’m single. I don’t want any person, right or not 😄
I don’t mind romance in books, but if romance is all there is to the story, I won’t read it. I’m listening to “The One Memory of Flora Banks” right now. I like it, but the pining for Drake thing is really annoying me 😼
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Have you heard of The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon? It’s a Fantasy series where the main character (Paks) is AroAce and it’s one of my favourites! I’d definitely recommend it, both for that and because it’s a fantastic series anyway.
I’m glad you were able to use Tumblr to help identify yourself – that’s one of the things I love about it! It’s educated me so much and helped me figure out my own identity!
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Ooh no, I haven’t heard of that one! I’ll definitely have to check it out – thank you!!
Right! I definitely understand how toxic that website can be, but it really played a huge part in educating me about tons of different topics!
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Thankyou for sharing this Lauren! It was really insightful and interesting to read, especially since the main character in the novel I’m writing is aromantic asexual and you’re so right, aromantic rep in media is non existent!
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Ahhh, that makes me so happy to hear! Thank you ♥
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First off I loved reading this post! Thank you for sharing, it was very heartfelt. Second because feel like I can relate to some of what you’re saying. I don’t understand why society puts it out there like we need to find people and get married, I’m totally cool with living my life unmarried, possibly alone, I haven’t really made up my mind. It’s like you reach a certain again and like you said required to do this certain task to move on to the next… it’s such a mould that doesn’t fit anymore. I can also relate I had my first kiss when I was 19, and there is no shame there. I agree with you, it would be nice to see aromantic more in the media, for representation, as well for something new and different.
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Thank you for sharing this with us, Lauren. Aromanticism is something that a lot of people don’t understand, and don’t try to. Just wanted to swing in and tell you you’re completely valid, and I’m glad you figured your identity out.
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Goodness, I just love you so much. I’m so proud of you because I’m sure this took a lot of courage to write and post. I hope people learn something from your post and that maybe you’ve helped someone identify with something you’ve mentioned.
I wanted to mention that the book Seven Ways We Lie has a character that I think might be aro/ace. Neither word is used to describe him or by him and since I’m neither I cannot say for sure, but his point of view and internal dialogue gave me that impression. (Also there’s a pansexual character in it so that’s cool too!). I hope media begins to represent much more of all the things it doesn’t now but mostly, I want them to stop erasing this orientation ❤️
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Thank you so much, Sara ♥ People like you are the reason why I felt comfortable enough to post this. I’m really excited to read Seven Ways We Lie! I loved Noteworthy to pieces so I’m thinking I’m going to pick it up really soon.
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I’m so glad I can be that person for you ❤️
I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wanted to but I hope Noteworthy is much better, specially since I have an ARC
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I really hope you enjoy Noteworthy 💕 Can’t wait to see what you think! I think it’s gonna be one of my fave reads of the year 😊
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Thanks so much friend, I hope I like it much better than 7WWL.
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I’m not a huge Tumblr user anymore but I love what it does for marginalised groups – I’m not sure if it was just the crowd I followed back then but they were always for raising awareness for the different kinds of sexualities there are.
Anyway, your post made me think about how a love interest and romance come as a package deal in pretty much all YA books that I’ve read. Perhaps there was the occasional book, but I can’t even think of any off the top of my head, haha. I didn’t realise it until you said so but those books definitely give some sort of a pressure to finding a “partner” relatively early in life — like, it’s just “normal” or “common” to be interested in someone romantically.
I hope that as books become more and more diverse, we get to hear more stories from all these different backgrounds. Thank you so, so much for sharing this with us, Lauren — it really made me think. ❤
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This is an amazing post Lauren, thank you so much for sharing! Posts like yours are definitely so important to help bring awareness and maybe even help a few people who are still struggling to come to terms with themselves.
I must admit that I didn’t know what aromantic was until a few months ago – I saw the term somewhere and started googling it and learned so much about aro/ace, but also demisexuality or gray-A. They are so valid and so severely underrepresented in media and I hope this will improve in the future. People should be aware of them and respect them and DEFINITELY never say things like those above to anyone ever. It’s so condescending and frustrating and I’m sorry you have had to listen to that!
Also, I may be a big romantic myself, but I highly agree that there is way too big a focus on romance in YA. It’s not healthy, as you said only very few people find ‘true love’ at that age and it just gives kids wrong expectations and pressure. And there definitely needs to be more focus on other types of love and other sexualities in YA and just media all over. I heard about the Jughead debate (though I haven’t watched the show yet or read the comics), and while I’m sorry it has to be that way, I do appreciate that at least it’s out there and will hopefully help increase awareness and respect at least.
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“I kinda feel like I’m just sorta floating around in this weird space that sits outside that community.” YES YES YES. I loved reading this post and I’m so happy that you made it and also very proud of you as I’m sure it wasn’t easy. The asexual/aromantic community is relatively unknown and I love coming across fellow members. I’m currently the vice president of my uni’s LGBTQ+ club and still feel like I shouldn’t be there sometimes because despite not being straight, I don’t always feel entirely ‘in’.
I’m glad you posted this as I think it’s really important to highlight that there’s more to being part of the LGBTQ+ community than being gay or bi. Wouldn’t it be just the coolest thing to see ace characters in a book? That’s what I want to see more of in books- lesser known orientations because there are a lot of us and there should be better representation. Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble but your post has really got me thinking haha 😀
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Ah I’m glad you posted this, I’m sure there are lots of people out there who will read it and identify with it! I think the way you explained what it means to be aromantic and how you’ve experienced it personally is really well-done and you get the point that you’re trying to make across nicely. I sound like I’m grading an essay but I genuinely think you did a really good job haha! x
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Wonderful post, Lauren!! I really hope you’ll find a place in the community! ❤️ I follow some amazing people who identify as aro on Twitter and it’s heartbreaking to see how y’all don’t get represented or your identities are being erased. I’m bi/pan and while we do get represented more often lately, I see more shitty and harmful rep than good rep. So I understand how important it is to see yourself portrayed and it sucks when that isn’t the case.
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I identify as aro/ace and I agree 100% that they are seperate things. It’s easier for me to find things that satiate the asexual side of me, but not the aromantic side. I have had every one of those responses you listed as not to give to someone who is aro said to me. Plus as soon as you say you’re aromantic people think you are anti-romance, which I’m not, I just don’t want it for me.
Two books I have read which feature aro and ace characters (unfortunately I haven’t found just aro ones yet) are The Bone People by Keri Hulme (my favourite and its Own Voices!) and Any Way the Wind Blows by Carlin Grant. Maybe you’d enjoy them?
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I am glad you posted something so personal Lauren! We love you and don’t care what anyone else thinks, and I really think there should be more diverse reads so that everyone can see themselves in books!
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Wouldn’t it be amazing if everyone could just be themselves, without having to apologise or worry or try and stuff themselves into categories to please other people? It breaks my heart that people suffer simply because of labels and titles that really should be anyone elses business! Be proud of who you are, and screw anyone who doesn’t show you the respect you deserve!
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Thank you so much for sharing this Lauren, you’re so strong and should be proud of yourself for having the courage to press publish. I hadn’t heard of this term so thank you for educating me, you should never feel like your not normal which is easier said than done I know but you are normal.
You don’t have to feel romantic love, you don’t have to fall in love to be whole or to have your life work out in the ‘best way’. You’re whole as you are and you are enough to fulfill your dreams and aspirations.
I wish you didn’t feel the thoughts you’ve had and had people say ‘you just haven’t found the right person’ but society doesn’t like when things aren’t the stereotypical norm do they?
Sending a big hug your way x
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There’s not much I can say that other people haven’t but thank you for posting this and feeling comfortable enough to speak about it!
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Thank you for sharing this – I have no doubt that someone will stumble upon this post, and finally discover that the word aromantic even exists. Posts like this are so important ❤
It is a real shame that you don't feel part of the LGBT+ community – I can totally understand why. I'm bi, and even I feel left out a lot of the time. I think lately there's been a real push for people to understand sexualities other than the L and G, so hopefully this won't always be the case. Once again – thank you for this. You're an inspiration x
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Thank you sooo much for sharing this! It’s such an important topic and I’m very glad to see you talking about it! ❤
I myself am asexual and most likely gray-romantic. I just related to your post sooo much, with the people not understanding you and saying "you haven't found the right one". I come from a rather small country where the norm is marrying at 24 and having children at 25 – just like a checklist, as you said. Whenever I go home to visit my family I get asked if I have a boyfriend or when I'm getting one. As if I need one or want one for that matter. It's just sooo frustrating when people don't understand you and even worse when they don't want to understand you. And the lack of representation in media is very frustrating as well.
I'm really proud of you for sharing this! Sending you a lot of love! ❤ ❤
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Firstly, I’m sorry I didn’t read this sooner – I seem to miss a lot of posts by people and I think it’s maybe because I am following like, 500 people….moving on! I think this post is wonderful, and I can’t imagine how nervous you must have been typing it. And the thing is that it’s nothing shameful whatsoever, but like you said, society has made it a “thing” that to be happy you have to be in a romantic relationship. I think it’s the biggest load of crap. You are still whole and happy if you aren’t in a romantic relationship, and I think the more it gets out there, the better it will be for everyone.
I also agree that it would be awesome for there to be more stories with aromantic people. I think it is something that often gets hinted at but it never gets confirmed. I think it would help other aro’s feel like they aren’t alone. Great post lovely 🙂
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